I Will Now Rise From the Ashes

It is easier to say you will endure something than it is to actually do it.

I applied for a job in Alaska this summer along with two of my best friends. All three of us got the job, but I was positioned in a store over 400 miles away from my other two friends. I am not going to take the job. The only reason I wanted to go was because I wanted to get away from life and be with my friends for a few months.

I said, "If I don't get it, it won't bother me. I don't even know if I really want to go."
and then...
I said, "Hmm... I actually kind of want to go, but I'm still torn on whether I should."
to:
I said,"Okay I really want to go, but what if I'm not in the same city?!"

Then the news comes, and I'm totally bummed out. I kind of feel like I don't have the right to be. I just feel like I never go for what I really want. This would have been a really good thing for me, to get away with my friends and live in a place I've never been. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for my two best friends to go up there. I know they're going to have a blast, I just wish I was going to have a blast with them.

I can't shake this feeling that I want something extraordinary to happen in my life. I'm restless. I want to be spontaneous, live life on a whim for a while. Go do something outrageous, instead of being here. I feel like a bird in a cage. I've got the wings, but I don't know how to get out and fly...

Why is life always so bittersweet?